Finding Joy in Grief
“Does God love me? Have I done something wrong for God to dash my hopes?”
These are questions that Christi wrestled with during a time of deep grief and heartache. Enter into her story to hear how she believes God used a time of infertility and great loss to draw her closer to his side.
My life is full of times when the Lord was speaking to my heart, drawing me to him and revealing his character to me. Some of these times have been in joyful seasons, but others have been in the midst of trials. Perhaps the most difficult trial came in 2009, when I was 30.
My husband, Brett and I had been dealing with infertility for five years. Both of us loved children so much that we were teachers and we were involved in children’s ministry in our church. Having children of our own was a great desire of our hearts, and we prayed fervently to the Lord for children. Those years were filled with much heartache, encouragement, and questioning.
One day as I was weeping to the Lord, He audibly whispered a scripture reference to me. “Psalm 113.” Never before had I heard God speak audibly and I haven’t heard Him again. I flipped to this passage I had not previously read. Psalm 113:7-9 says: “He raises the poor from the dust and lifts the needy from the ash heap; he seats them with princes, with the princes of their people. He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the Lord.” I believed the Lord was giving me this promise that He would deliver me from my place of mourning, and bless us with children in our home. I held on to this hope through a few more years of waiting.
Then in 2008, we were surprised to learn that we were pregnant with triplets— identical twin boys, and a girl. After years of waiting and praying, the Lord was blessing us beyond what we could imagine. Our family and friends rejoiced greatly with us at this news and watched as I started looking very pregnant. We had frequent ultrasounds where we were able to watch in awe as Joshua, Zachary and Elliana were growing and jostling one another around in my womb.
Things were going well, until I started having preterm contractions and the doctors required me to go on bedrest. We assumed I would spend the remainder of the pregnancy on bedrest, but we were confident the Lord would keep our children safe.
On February 14, 2009, I began having contractions again, and we were told our children would be born that day, at nearly 23 weeks. We were also told they would not survive because they were so premature. Despite this news, Brett and I were fully confident the Lord was going to defy all odds and save our children. We believed those around us would see how mighty and powerful he was. That evening, Joshua, Zachary and Elliana were born via C-section, each weighing just over a pound. Brett and I heard their cries and saw them briefly before they were whisked away to the NICU and I was moved to a recovery room.
A couple hours later, we were called down to the NICU. When we arrived, we were told Zachary was about to pass away. We held him, wept, prayed and said our goodbyes. This same scenario would play out again two more times over the next two days. We were finally parents and felt such love for our children but we would never parent them. Our Heavenly Father had a different plan that was beyond our comprehension. During this time, the Lord was present with us through his Word and through his people that he sent to comfort and pray with and for us. We were brokenhearted but experienced his peace that passed understanding.
In between our sons’ deaths, we had read Psalm 27. This whole Psalm spoke to our hurting hearts, but two parts particularly resonated.
Psalm 27:4 says, “One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek; that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple.” We realized that our “precious three” were going to be spending nearly all of their days with the Lord, gazing upon his beauty. They weren’t suffering. They were whole, complete, and untouched by the sin and sorrows of this world. They were experiencing eternal joy in his presence! For this reason, we could rejoice for them!
Psalm 27:13 says, “I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.” This part spoke to Brett and I about ourselves. In our own eyes, none of this made sense. Why would a good God give us such abundance— not just one child, but three, to then take them away? Why give us this hope to then dash it? Did God not love me? Had I done something to cause this loss? These are questions I wrestled with in the months that would follow as I grieved Joshua, Zachary and Elliana’s deaths. He was fully capable of saving our children’s lives here on earth. Even after they died, He could have raised them from the dead as Jesus did for Lazarus. And wouldn’t He be glorified greatly through one of these miracles? Deuteronomy 29:29 says, “The secret things belong to the Lord,” and I now believe that this secret thing he was doing was even more miraculous!
The Lord was so patient and merciful with me in my questions, and in my grief and disappointment. It was during this season, that I came to know him and trust him in a whole new way. For all my years as a believer up until this point, my faith was shallow. I loved God, but I hadn’t fully relied on him like I desperately needed him now. My life had been relatively easy so I hadn’t had to learn to trust him in the dark. Now I had this crisis of faith, and I had to trust that God’s ways were higher than my ways and that he was working all things together for my good even when it didn’t appear that way. I had to trust that he knew what he was doing even when he wasn’t doing what I wanted him to do. He alone was sovereign.
Matthew 11:6 says “Blessed is he who is not offended because of me.” I could have been offended because Jesus didn’t come to my rescue in the way I saw fit, OR I could believe his promises that he loved me and he was working all things together for my good. It was during this time, that God pointed me to the cross, where Jesus showed the magnitude of his great love when he spread out his arms and died for my sins. No greater proof of his love was needed.
Today, God has enabled me to say with confidence that He “has lifted me up out of the ash heap and seated me with princes” (Psalm113). He has “turned my mourning into dancing” (Psalm 30:11). I am seeing the “goodness of the Lord in the land of the living”(Psalm 27:13). One day I will have the privilege of dwelling in his house with Joshua, Zachary, and Elliana. Together with my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, we “will gaze upon His beauty” (Psalm 27:4) because God has completed the greatest miracle. He provided rescue from our sin and from death through Christ, and he healed my broken heart that felt beyond repair!
Remember that other promise God gave me eleven years ago in Psalm 113, about settling me in my home as a happy mother of children? Well through two other amazing God-stories, he has graciously given Brett and me two precious children, Charis and Noah.
I now know that God loves me so much that he didn’t want me to remain the same. Instead, he allowed heartache and suffering to enter my life because he knew that’s what it would take to draw me closer to him. He wanted me to see him as the gift, not just the giver. He showed me that he alone is my hope and my treasure, and his ways are always good!