Dispelling Doubt in the Bread Aisle

Doubt had begun to creep into the recesses of my heart. No, not creep. Settle. I had fought off the lies of the enemy for so long, with praise, thanksgiving, and Scripture, but now I had grown weary. My blissful, regulated quiet times had become procrastinated obligations, until eventually they disappeared altogether. My prayers which had once been prayed with fervent faith, passion and hope, became tasteless, dusty words of apathy and defeat. Now I was just going through the motions, tempted to give into the lies of apathy altogether. The spiritual doldrums had plagued me for weeks, and now I was setting up camp in the night season of the soul. Why look for the light, when the darkness was so thickly encasing me? "Jesus, I need You." I prayed weakly.

Covid19. An estranged family member, refusing my pursuit of peace. Seemingly inescapable and ugly politics everywhere I looked. Caring for a hospitalized neighbor's pets and estate for six months, with no end in sight. A broken nation. Waiting to adopt a baby girl and feeling as though the promise of her arrival may never come.

Heavy thoughts swarmed my mind as I rushed around the grocery store, trying to fill my cart in time to pick up my son from his art class. "How long are these regulations going to continue?" I thought as I tugged uncomfortably at the stifling mask. I hurried past the aisle filled with pet supplies, the dog treats catching my eye. "How much longer will we be stuck in this situation, caring for our neighbor's dogs? Does loving others by going the ‘extra mile’ (Matt. 5:41) have a limit? Will this really bring them closer to salvation? I want to serve You, but it's getting harder. When will You release us from this obligation?"

My cart squeaked with every hurried turn, as I tried to keep a respectful distance from other shoppers. I felt a pang of grief and envy as I passed a smiling, mother shopper, kissing her baby's head. I swallowed the lump in my throat and blinked away the threatening tears. "How much longer until it's my turn, Jesus? You promised we would have a baby girl. You spoke directly to my heart. Why is it taking so long? Seven years we've been waiting for a baby. I know You're sanctifying me in the process, and it's ultimately for my good, but does it have to be so painful? It's getting harder to trust You."

Once again, I stuffed down my ugly, shameful thoughts of doubt and self-pity. No time to feel. No time to pray. I just needed to finish these errands and get on with my day. Hurriedly, I zipped into the bread aisle, ready to grab my final item, and scramble to finish my "To Do" list. I pushed my cart so quickly, I nearly collided into an elderly worker, restocking the shelves.

"Oh,I'm so sorry! Please excuse me." I called over my shoulder.

"God bless you, Ma'am."

I slowed my pace.

"Thank you. God bless you too." I replied

He caught my eye. An older, African-American gentleman, dressed in Publix green and a nametag that read, "Bruce". He seemed to gaze directly into my heart. Then gently, he placed his hand on my forearm, and with a voice rich in love and sincerity said, "No, Ma'am. God really bless you."

I stopped. The familiar warmth of the Holy Spirit exuded from this man, and surrounded me like a blanket of peace. "Listen", His still, small voice whispered to my soul. All of the hurry seemed to trickle out of me, replaced with a supernatural calm.

Bruce kept a steady gaze and continued in his soothing voice. "He wants to bless and keep you. Go to Him. Whatever has been on your heart these past few weeks, He sees it, and He cares for you."

My jaw dropped behind my mask. The Holy Spirit was pressing in on me, and my attention was raptured. All other surroundings melted away, as I hung onto Bruce's every word, taking it all in.

"I encourage you to read and pray Psalm 121 out loud. God wants to grow your faith in Him and give you the desires of your heart as you align with His heart and purpose for you." Psalm 121 serves as a reminder that God will be our help and keep us securely in his care. I needed that.

My eyes brimmed with tears as I thanked Bruce repeatedly. I briefly and vaguely shared my circumstances, and struggles. He nodded with compassion and empathy.

"Don't ever doubt His goodness." he responded with grandfatherly affection. "The devil wants us to doubt His love for us, but we can trust His goodness and faithfulness. His promises of blessing are coming. Just keep abiding in Him. Go to Him. Spend time with Him. Spend time in the Word."

Tears streamed down my face into my mask, and we hugged, right there in the bread aisle. The Holy Spirit dwelling within each of us had united us as members of the body of Christ. We embraced as if we had known each other our whole lives.

I thanked him for obeying God's leading, and we promised to pray for one another, calling out one more, "God bless you!" over the shoulder as we parted ways.

"Holy crap!" I exhaled with joy and wonder, leaving the aisle.

"Thank You, Jesus." I heard him pray, as I walked towards the checkout.

My doubt has dissipated; my hope and faith are restored. He knows my every thought, my every weakness. He is faithful, when I am faithless. When I wouldn't go to Him, He pursued me, and sent His church through a man named Bruce. Hallelujah.